Panic Attacks
by CBloom2
Summary: I think the title gives it away. Ethan and Cal story - surprised?
1. Chapter 1

**Call me evil, but I'm back ready to make Ethan and Cal suffer some more! They might have driven off in a taxi together (obviously I don't know exactly what's in store for our favourite brothers) but in this story Ethan hasn't got off as lightly as we might be led to believe. I can't stop watching Born Lucky and The Last Call, mainly for the brother scenes (sorry Jeff fans - although I did find his funeral - especially when they all lifted their radios - incredibly moving). Anyway enough of my jibber jabber on with the story...the title may just give away the plot.**

**As always I don't own anyone that you recognise, I just like to dust them off to make them suffer some more!**

Panic Attacks

Dr Ethan Hardy sat quietly at the breakfast bar in his new flat, sipping gently on a mug of tea, while staring out of the window as the new day dawned misty and cool. He was thinking about the fact that he was coming to the end of his first week back at work after the tragic accident he was involved in that had claimed Jeff's life. He shuddered as he remembered seeing the fire on the internet, guilt once again flowing through him - if he hadn't been driving...

"Morning sunshine," broke him out of his thoughts. His brother, Cal, who had been staying with him since he was released, meandered into the kitchen area, barely awake with his hair stuck up at all different angles, "You look rested," Ethan noticed, "Did you sleep ok?"

"I would probably sleep better if you had a proper bed in that spare room, rather than that lumpy sofa bed," Cal argued as he put some bread into the toaster.

"Hmmm," was all Ethan replied. Ethan knew full well what his brother was after, and while he was eternally grateful for everything Cal had done for him over the past few weeks, he couldn't quite make up his mind whether he could actually bring himself to ask his brother to move in with him, even though it was clearly what the older man was hoping for.

Ethan had drifted off back into his thoughts when Cal nudged him as he walked past him, "Penny for them," he said, with a slight grin.

Ethan looked at his brother, who was attacking his toast as if it was the last slice of bread on the planet, and felt a rush of affection wash through him, "It's nothing," he shook his head and looked down at the table.

"You disappeared into Ethan's world for a few there little brother, so come on, spill," he insisted, instantly concerned when the younger man began to drift away.

He watched his younger brother take a deep breath as if to ready himself, "I...I was thinking of maybe...driving into work today..."

Cal lowered his mug slowly, surprised by the revelation, "Ok...ok this is good...I think it's a good idea..."  
>"You do? I'm not so sure...but yet I know I have to do it sometime...it's just that..."<p>

"I know...but it wasn't your fault and you do have to get back on the horse, so to speak, at some time. You can do this Ethan!"

"Do you really think so?" Ethan asked, uncertainly.

"Definitely," his brother told him.

"It's the last step in my healing process," Ethan watched his brother's expression change, "I'll be back to my old self then."

Anyone else wouldn't have seen the minute glint of disappointment in the older man's eyes, but Ethan did. But as soon as it appeared, it disappeared almost immediately, "Well better get ready for work then...so you're driving this morning then?"

Ethan tried to look confident, "Yes, yes I am!"

Cal nodded as he left the room.

Cal looked at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. He knew this day would come because he knew that his brother would never give up on trying to get back to normal, even though he knew that Ethan must be churned up inside. But in the deepest corner of his mind, he had hoped that this day would never come, because he knew that once Ethan's confidence was back, his role would be redundant and Ethan would have no use for him any more. If he was being completely honest, he had really relished being needed by his brother over the last few weeks. Granted he wished it hadn't been because he had nearly died, but nevertheless, he had felt useful for once and had actually enjoyed not trying to get one up on him all the time. He had also cherished the time they had spent together since Ethan's release. They had been out for a drink a couple of times, had meals out together and actually talked...like proper brothers and he had loved that. He wanted nothing more than to move in with Ethan, after all he had a spare room, but he hadn't want to press the issue. He hoped that Ethan just knew and would ask him. He blew out a breath, rinsed his face, then pulled himself together ready to face the new challenge of Ethan driving a car again.

Ethan had watched Cal leave the room and immediately felt sad at the disappointment that he had seen fleetingly in his brother's eyes. He hadn't wanted to upset him. He was so grateful for everything he had done. If he hadn't have seen it with his own eyes, he would never have believed that the caring side of Cal actually existed...yet it did. Over the last few weeks, Ethan had dared to hope that his brother had actually changed and that they might develop a closer relationship like they had had when they were younger. He had been there for him every step of the way, above and beyond some would say...so why was it so hard for him to decide whether to ask him to stay or not? He had a spare room...the bills would definitely be easier if he had a room mate...so why?

'One thing at a time' he thought to himself, 'Let's get the car out of the way first, then I'll think about Cal.'

"You about ready Cal?" he wondered as he put his jacket on and reached for the car keys.

If his brother answered him he would not have known. As soon as the cool metal of the car key hit his hand, the whole world stopped. He stared at the key as if it was something alien. He felt his breathing start to quicken. He clenched his fist over the key and concentrated on breathing in and out. His breathing soon came back under control. 'Just a blip' he thought.

"Ethan?"

"Huh?" he was surprised to see Cal in front of him.

"You ready?" Cal's brow furrowed in concern, "You ok?"  
>Ethan shook his head, forcing a smile, "Yes, of course. Come on, can't be late."<p>

Cal walked through the doorway first, turning slightly as Ethan locked the door, concern once again knawing at him as he saw the tremble in the brothers hands.

No more than five minutes later, they approached Ethan's car. The younger doctor pressed the button to unlock it. As soon as he heard the doors unlocking, he froze to the spot. A memory from that day bombarded his head - he unlocked the doors - he familiarised himself with all the 'doo-dars' as his co-workers took their seats - he was driving - they were arguing about which direction to go in - the noise...

"Ethan! Ethan!"

How had he got on the floor? Had he been in another crash? He must have been as his chest felt constricted, he couldn't breathe. What had happened?

"Ethan! It's alright little brother, I've got you," Cal's voice. Why was Cal there? Had he been involved in the accident?

"Oh...my...god...Cal...is he...are you..." why was the world spinning?

"Ethan!"

**Ok, so this started life as a one shot, but I think it might end up being a little more than that! Is it ok?**

**I won't carry it on and on to much. He will probably have another attack and although I know they don't just clear up overnight, I certainly don't want to write chapters and chapters of the same, so next chapter will probably wrap it up, kind of. **

**Do you think that Cal will end up living with Ethan in the show? I haven't heard anything, but after last episode it just seemed to me quite obvious that that's what Cal would like - would make interesting viewing!**

**Anyway, please let me know what you think and I'll be back as soon as I can. Thank you in advance.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Firstly thank you so much for your reviews and favourites, it always means a lot to know that someone out there reads my meagre offerings!**

**So this is chapter 2 - hoping I can finish it in this chapter but we'll see.**

**If anyone has any ideas please pass them on - I'm not very good at being original so all ideas are welcome.**

**Usual disclaimer, now on with the story.**

**Panic Attacks - Chapter 2**

Ethan squinted as the harsh, bright lights assaulted his vision. Suddenly a face appeared in his line of sight, it seemed to be offering him his glasses. He gingerly put them on and the face swam into focus.

Cal.

His brother had a gentle smile on his face but lines of concern crossed his forehead. Ethan was just relieved to see him, "Cal. Are you alright?"

Cal reached down to start lifting the head of the bed slightly, causing Ethan to look down in confusion, "Am I in the hospital?"

"Yep," came the clipped reply.

"Er...why?" Ethan looked round, surprised to see Lofty and Robyn all looking at him with the same gentle smiles that his brother had on his face. They had been worried. What had happened to him?

"Can you remember anything?" Cal asked, hoping that his brother would remember on his own.

Ethan stared at the older man, memories beginning to leak into his brain, "I heard the door mechanism...it took me back to that day... I couldn't breathe...I thought it had happened again...I thought you were involved Cal..." Ethan began to tremble again as memories flooded in.

"Hey, calm down...it's ok. You had a panic attack from what I can gather," Cal explained, "You passed out. Scared me to death...again! Look I've got to get back to work, Robyn here will look after you - you're to wait here until I finish my shift."

"Cal, I'm fine now. I can work..." groaned Ethan, who really didn't want to contemplate being away from work much longer.

"No, not today. I'll square it with Connie - you rest and you can come back tomorrow - no arguments." With that he left the room.

Ethan sighed back into the pillow, "I'm so over all this! I just want to get back to work, to get back to normal, but he won't let me do anything!"

Robyn smiled at him, "He's just worried. To be honest, I've never seen him so worried as he has been. He really does care underneath all that talk and swagger."

The young doctor looked to the door that his brother had disappeared through, "Yes, I suppose he does. but one little panic attack and he has me wrapped up in cotton wool again!"

"It was a bit more than that Dr Hardy. You were out cold when he ran in with you, no-one could wake you up. You say that you went back to that day when you heard the door unlock, well Cal was dragged back to that day when he saw you being brought in almost at deaths door, so I think that you really ought to cut him some slack."

Ethan had the good grace to look ashamed of himself, "You're right Robyn. I'm sorry. It's not just about me, I really ought to remember that. Thank you for putting me straight."

Robyn patted his hand gently as the door opened to reveal a concerned Connie, "How are you Dr Hardy?"

"Very embarrassed," Ethan admitted.

"These things happen, with the smallest of things setting them off. I've spoken with Cal and I agree that you shouldn't see patients today, but I realise that you are restless when cooped up in a bed, so how about you go and wait in the staff lounge until Cal finishes his shift."

"Thank you Mrs Beauchamp. Thank you very much. At least my laptop is in there."

"No work Ethan! I want you tip top tomorrow when you come back!"

Reluctantly, Ethan nodded his head as he began to rise from the bed.

A short while later, Ethan was tentatively making his way from the room that he was treated in towards the staff lounge. He was eager for a good cup of tea and maybe a biscuit, if there were any left.

The emergency department had become increasingly busy over the last hour or so and Ethan found himself being jostled from all directions. He felt his breathing begin to quicken as his heart began to pound. He flatened himself against the wall in an attempt to get away from the crush. People...faces all around him. Pain...cold - he started to shiver as he frantically looked left and right. Where was he? Where was his brother? "Cal," he gasped. Just as his vision began to swim, he felt a hand on his arm. He swung round to see Lofty saying something to him, but the noise in his ears dulled the sound of his voice, "Cal," he gasped again as Lofty put an arm around him, "Let's get you to the lounge," his voice was saying clearly now. Ethan allowed himself to be led to one of the chairs in the staff lounge and a cup of tea appeared in front of him. Lofty took a seat next to him, "Better?"

"Yes, much, thank you. I'm sorry about...well you know. There were a lot of people and ..."

"I know, I get it. Shall I get Cal?"

Ethan shook his head, "No, I'm fine now. He'll stop me from going back to work and I need to get back into it."

Lofty looked unsure, knowing how Cal had reacted when he had brought Ethan's suit for him for Jeff's funeral. If he found out that he had known about another attack and not told him...well it wouldn't be pretty.

A little while later, a lot calmer Ethan sat on a stool near the window to the staff lounge watching life in the ED carry on as normal. He ached to join them, but he realised that his brother had been right. He needed to rest, he needed to get past all this.

Suddenly, he heard a loud cry - a sound that was familiar to him. He looked in the direction of the cry and saw his brother comforting a young woman, who had obviously been given some very bad news. Seeing the distress on his brother's face shocked Ethan. Cal wasn't exactly well known for his compassion, but on this day it was oozing out of him. About ten minutes later, Cal walked into the lounge and poured himself a cup of coffee, "What a day," he said, "How are you doing?" Lofty had told him about Ethan's second episode and how the younger doctor had not wanted him to tell his brother, but Lofty thought that Cal should know, but made him promise not to tell Ethan that he knew.

"I'm ok. Just bored...erm...what happened earlier? You seemed a little upset," Ethan pressed.

"Oh, that poor girl just lost her mother to a hit a run driver. The thing is she lost her father about 3 months ago to a heart attack, she doesn't have any siblings so she's on her own...it just felt a little close to

home," he coughed slightly to clear the emotion in his throat.

"That's terrible - poor girl," Ethan agreed.

Suddenly Cal got to his feet, "Right, I've just got to sign off on one case and we're good to go. See you in a few."

Ethan watched his brother leave, a deep feeling of fear and dread coursing through his body. What if something happened to Cal? Could he cope on his own? Did he actually want to be on his own? Cal had been a prize idiot at times, but could he actually be without him?

Ethan suddenly felt like a heavy weight was pressing down on him. Oh no, not again. Third time in one day...this can't be good. His breaths were short, shallow pants and his stomach was doing somersaults. He stood by the kitchen counter, gripping onto it for all he was worth, trying to breathe deeper, to suck in as much oxygen as he possibly could. He did manage to notice that his finger ends were actually starting to turn white with the pressure he was exerting on them. Without warning a familiar hand came into view and began to gently prise his fingers from the counter. He found that he didn't want to look at the person, knowing from the way he was being handled that it was his brother, "Another one?" was all he said.

Now Ethan did look at him, tears swimming in his eyes, "I just want to be normal again Cal. But not only am I being taken back to that day but now I'm seeing you involved..."

"It will settle down in time Eth, you have to believe me. Something was going to give eventually, but know that you're not on your own - I'm here for you for as long as you need me."

"Thank you Cal. That means everything to me...even coming from you," Ethan managed a chuckle.

Cal smiled happily after hearing his brother laugh, "Come on. A Chinese and a early night, what do you say?"

"Yes I think I could manage that," smiled the younger man as he pushed his glasses up his nose and grabbed his jacket.

**Leaving this chapter here. Think there might be one more with a major panic attack, then hopefully everything will settle down...until I think of something else to torture them with!**

**Hope it was ok...maybe a little to long? Please reveiw if you have a few minutes. Thank you.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I would just like to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read this and reviewed or have favourited either me or the story. You are all brilliant and I appreciate every single one of them. Apologies to anyone that I haven't replied to but rest assured I read every one.**

**I'm going to try to finish this one off in this chapter and hopefully inspiration will strike again soon.**

**Again I own no-one that you recognise.**

**Panic Attacks chapter 3**

The weekend passed without incident. Ethan actually found himself feeling relaxed. Himself and Cal had been to the pub the night before just for a couple of pints and they found that they were enjoying each others company very much. There had been no talk of work, and certainly no talk of the panic attacks that Ethan had suffered. As Ethan lay in bed on the Sunday night, staring at the ceiling, he really did feel at peace with having his brother in his life once more.

Monday morning dawned bright and breezy, but the brightness did nothing to brighten Ethan's mood. He had hardly slept the night before as the unforgotten anxieties from the previous week began to make themselves known again. He got ready and sat at the breakfast table as if on auto pilot - dreading what the day might bring.

Cal wondered in grabbing a coffee as he did so, "Lovely morning,"

he commented.

"Is it? I hadn't noticed," Ethan answered as he stared at his toast.

"It's not going to bite you," Cal chuckled as he watched his brother eyeballing the toast.

"What? Huh? Oh...yes...I'm not really hungry."

"Erm, everything ok?" Cal asked cautiously.

"Oh yes, of course, I'm just eager to get back to it, that's all," Ethan jumped up forcing a smile of confidence, which Cal saw right through straight away.

"We'll take your car today," he informed the younger man, who stopped in his tracks.

"Oh...er...why?"

"It's nothing to do with the fact that the tax ran out on my car...and maybe the MOT," Cal hung his head slightly, "But if we take your car then when you're ready, you can drive us home."

Ethan gazed at him, his eyes wide with fright, "You have to try some time Eth," Cal soothed, as Ethan left the room. Cal sighed deeply. They had been so close to Ethan actually driving his car again when the panic attacks had started - but he had to at least try to get behind the wheel again, the longer he left it, the harder it would be.

So, Cal drove them to work and by lunch time, Ethan was starting to feel more like his old self once more. He had seen quite a few patients and Mrs Beauchamp had been impressed by how quickly he saw them and his overall manner with them.

Feeling extrememly pleased with himself and not having anyone to see, Ethan took himself off to the staff lounge to get a cup of tea. As he finished making it, Ash and Dixie marched in, the atmosphere changing immediately, "You don't even look at me any more Dixie. I don't know what I'm supposed to have done."

"You don't know what you've done?" The paramedic threw back. Ethan stole a quick glance, nervously trying to work out what was happening, "You killed him! That's what you did!"

"Dixie it was a tragic accident. I didn't ask him..."

Ethan stiffened as it dawned on him what they were arguing about. There had been talk about Dixie blaming Ash for Jeff's death, but he had never actually believed it...until now. Only it wasn't Ash's fault...it was his. He slowly turned round to the two professionals in front of him, "Please stop this..." he pleaded quietly, as a headache began to make itself known.

"You didn't have to ask him - he would've done it anyway - that's just who he was, but he died saving you!" Ethan could plainly see the anguish in the paramedic's eyes. He went to take a step towards them, but found that his legs weren't co-operating, so he tried to plead with them again, "Please stop...blame me...it was my f...fault."

By now, Ethan's headache had soared to record proportions, he heart was beating faster than a jack hammer, the whole room was beginning to spin, he felt a weight on his chest so heavy...he was panting quickly, he was sure that he wasn't getting enough oxygen into his lungs. He doubled over slightly in the hope of maybe being able to drag some air in, "My fault...driving..."

He heard someone call his name, but he couldn't answer them. His legs began to fail him as he sunk to the ground, only to be caught by some strong hands. As his vision deserted him completely he was aware of Ash shouting some orders over his head, but eventually he fell in a deep black hole.

Cal was very busy, as usual, but today was a little different because he had been extra vigilant so that he could maybe help his little brother a little so that he was eased back in a little slower. Currently he was treating Mrs Rose, a pleasant 80 year old, who had slipped on some wet leaves and had fractured her wrist. He had looked at her xrays and shown her where the fracture was situated, and was now proceeding to explain the course of action that they would be taking now. He didn't notice Zoe walk through the door until she addressed him, "Dr Knight. I'm here to take over, you're needed in Resus."

"When I've finished with Mrs Rose, I'm very nearly finished," he replied, not having noticed the tense expression on Zoe's face.

"I'm afraid that I'll have to insist Dr Knight...you see, we have your brother in Resus, currently on oxygen, he's asking for you..."

Cal's colour drained from him face. Another attack, this was getting to much now, but how could he help him?

All the thoughts that were swirling around in his head, "Go to your brother Caleb," Mrs Rose told him kindly, "I'm sure this Dr Hanna will be alright - she looks competent enough."

Zoe laughed at the comment, while Cal did manage a small smile saying, "I will be back soon," as he barrelled his way out of the room.

Resus seemed such a long way off for Cal as he pounded down the corridor towards his brother. As he reached the doors he stopped suddenly. He could see Ethan sat up on the bed with an oxygen mask firmly fixed over his face. Robyn was by his side, with a hand on his arm obviously trying to calm him, but it was looking like she wasn't having much success. He marched into the room, surprised to see Ethan almost jump up off the bed when he saw him. He would have laughed, had the situation not been so tense, "Cal," Ethan breathed as he tried to get to his brother. Robyn looked at the older brother confusion and concern obvious on her expressive face, "He's really agitated..." was all she offered.

Cal strode straight to his brothers side, putting a calming hand on his shoulder, "What happened?" he asked the other doctor in the room.

Ash dropped his head slightly, "We were in the staff lounge...Dixie and I were...erm...discussing things...rather loudly..."

"Ethan kept asking us to stop," Dixie continued, looking as guilty as Ash, "But we didn't...we were both venting some deep held feelings, when all of a sudden it seemed like he couldn't breathe, we tried to help but he passed out..." She was interuppted by a call on her radio.

She walked up to the bed, "I need to go. I'm sorry Ethan."

Cal had been watching the doctor and paramedic with interest, finally understanding what had brought this particular attack on. Suddenly he was brought out of his thoughts by pulling on his arm. He glanced to his brother, who was taking off the oxygen mask, "Tell them...my fault...I killed him...I killed Jeff..." he gasped out, falling back onto the pillow exhausted.

Cal shook his head in despair. Not this again. Why was his brother so hell bent on blaming himself for the crash?

"Oh Ethan, no..." Dixie cried, tears filling her eyes, "It wasn't your fault at all. It wasn't anybodys fault. I was wrong to blame Ash. I'm angry and hurt at losing Jeff but deep down I do know that no-one is to blame. Jeff would put himself in situations like that when he didn't know the patient..." she trailed off as the truth in what she was saying hit home. She patted Ethan on the shoulder, "Stop blaming yourself and get better...I really must go." With that she turned to leave the room, catching Ash's eye as she did, sending a silent apology to him, which he accepted with a slight incline of his head.

Meanwhile, Cal was still trying to calm his brother down, "Ethan," he said gently, "If you don't start trying to calm down, I'm going to have to sedate you."

Ethan's eyes grew wide as he shook his head. He tried to regulate his breathing, but was still struggling. Cal took hold of his hand and placed it on his chest, encouraging him to breathe with him. Within a few minutes Ethan's breathing was back to a more normal rhythmn. But now the exhaustion was catching up with him and his eyes began to close. He reached out the hand that Cal had dropped once his breathing evened out, relaxing more when his brother took hold of it, "I've never seen him like this," Robyn commented. Cal smiled sadly as he watched his brother fall asleep, "I've only ever seen him like this in times of real stress, like when our father died. It certainly doesn't happen very often, he's the level headed one, but when he crashes...well you've seen how he is."

"It was our argument that set him off," Ash interjected, "He kept asking us to stop, but we couldn't. I can't believe that he blames himself..."  
>"He thinks that because he was driving that he should've seen the other car - not sure if we'll ever be able to convince him otherwise. I'm trying to get him back behind the wheel of his own car but that's not working to well either," he sighed.<p>

"Do you think he came back to soon?" Ash queried.

"I dont' know, but he was going stir crazy at home, but then he still has nightmares about the crash and now these attacks...I don't know," Cal explained as he kept glancing at his brother.

"You stay with him in case he wakes," Ash suggested.

"What about Connie? He's already worried that she'll think he's weak."

"Leave her to me," Ash insisted as he and Robyn left the room.

Cal managed to manouvre Ethan's hand out of his so that he could pull up a chair next to his brother, "Well here we are again," he whispered.

A few minutes later, Ethan began to wake. He looked to his right and saw Cal sat there, or rather, nodding off in a chair by his bed, "It happened again, didn't it?" he questioned his brother, who nodded sadly.

"At least Ash and Dixie patched up their differences, so something good came out of it," Cal tried to smile.

Ethan took a deep breath, "I'm so fed up with feeling like this Cal, but I don't know what to do. What should I do?" he glanced to his older brother.

"You're asking me for advice? You sure?" Cal smiled a little more.

Ethan chuckled, "Yes, maybe I did bump my head..."

"I honestly think you need to talk to someone Eth."

"You mean a counsellor?"

"Yes, I think so. You need someone who is experienced in trauma counselling. I think it would be good for you."

"Would you...erm...would you come with me?" Ethan asked tentatively, hoping that he didn't look to weak in front of his big brother.

"Of course I will. I've told you all along that you are not alone in any of this and I mean it!"

"Thank you Cal," Ethan said, genuinly grateful for his brother being there.

Two months and many stressful counselling sessions later saw Dr Ethan Hardy stepping out from behind the wheel of his own car after parking it in the car park. He closed the door, blowing out a deep breath that he hadn't been aware that he had been holding. Cal got out of the passenger seat, looking every bit the proud big brother, "You did it Dr Hardy," he said smiling brightly.

"I believe I did Dr Knight," he retorted smiling like a cat that had got the cream.

It had been a tough few months, but the worst was behind them and they were relishing the fact that they had grown a closer.

As they walked together, Ethan finally made a decision, "Hey Cal, I was thinking..."  
>"Oh that's never a good thing!" Cal laughed.<p>

"Comedian! I was wondering if you would like to make that spare room more permanent..."

"You mean move in with you? Be roomies?"

Ethan rolled his eyes, "Yes that's it exactly. You up for giving it a try?"

Cal threw an arm around his brothers shoulders, "Absolutely! Let's do this...now let's talk rent..."

**That's me done for this fic. Hope the ending wasn't to...meh! Never seems to look the same in writing as it does in your head! Anyway please review. Again if you have any ideas of your own, I would love to hear them.**

**Thank you for reading.**


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